God’s Faithfulness Through Holly’s Journey

The Waiting Game

Chapter 3

It’s no secret that we live in a society that is fueled by instant gratification. We want it fast. We want it now. We want it yesterday.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m that person. Patience is an area of my life I have yet to master. You’d think that a kid who grew up with dial-up internet service wouldn’t get so frustrated when a video takes more than 10 seconds to upload on Instagram.

You’d think that a father of four kids under the age of 8 wouldn’t get so frustrated when the car in front of him doesn’t instantly start moving as soon the light turns green. (Sorry if that’s ever been you in front of me and you wondered where that honking was coming from!)

I may or may not have complained a time or two when it takes my wife a little longer than I think it should to get ready and get out of door before church. I can remember a time or 10 forgetting something and having to turn back around because I was in such a hurry I forgot to check to see if one of the kids I loaded into the car had shoes on.

So when I tell you that the neurosurgeon informed me that Holly’s surgery could take up to six hours, you know the mental stress and pacing that was about to take place in that waiting room.

TUESDAY MORNING

I showed up to the hospital at 8am Tuesday morning of the surgery. Somehow I remained strong even as I walked down the hallway after my ritual c0vid temperature check.

As the doors of the ICU swung open, I took my last few deeps breaths before I walked the rest of the way to Holly’s room. I kept telling myself to be strong.

“This isn’t about you. Pull it together. You’ve gotta be strong for her.”

I knew that no matter what thoughts were going through my head or how much my emotions kept wanting to bubble up, I had to stay strong for my wife. I knew that if I was feeling nervous, she was probably on the verge of an emotional train wreck.

If you know anything about Holly, you know that she hates hospitals. She hates anything to do with blood. It’s even an unwritten rule in our house that you don’t talk about blood in front of mommy. To really drive the point home, if you ask her what the worst experience was about all four of her pregnancies, she’d tell you it was getting poked with needles and IV’s and having to give blood samples.

So, I knew that she was about to go through so many things she hated. As I took those last few steps before entering her room for one last time before surgery, I prayed once more for God to let me switch places with her.

But, I know it doesn’t work like that. So I stiffened my spine and walked in to greet her with the biggest smile I could muster.

PRE-SURGERY

The neurosurgeon came in to give his last words before the big event. I remember him taking out a sharpie and writing his initials behind Holly’s left ear. He said he was marking where he needed to make his initial incision.

The tumor on her brain was toward the back middle of her head. Due to the size and the location of other vessels and membranes and all that, he needed to go in from behind her left ear and remove the tumor from there. This would require him shaving part of her hair off behind her ear.

He told us that the surgery would require him to remove bone in her head that was surrounding her brain. After removing the tumor, he would need to make an incision in the side of her lower back to remove a section of fat. He said he would restructure the bone he took out of her head with a mixture of that fat and titanium.

After he left, we spent the rest of the hour praying for the surgery. It looked as though God wasn’t going to heal her by removing the tumor without surgery like we had hoped. So, we prayed for a successful surgery and that God would use Holly’s healing and recovery as a testimony to others. We remained faithful that healing was still in God’s hands. We prayed for the doctors and nurses who would be doing and insisting in the surgery. We prayed for faith over fear.

BREAKING OF THE DAM

Just before 9am, the nurses and medical assistants came in and got everything ready for transfer to the operating room. I remember feeling flooded with emotions. It felt like the crashing of waves against the solid stone walls of the Hoover Dam. I fought it off one last time and remained strong.

As the nurses were making their final preparations, I held Holly’s hand to offer what support I could. She slipped me her wedding ring since she couldn’t wear it during surgery. And before I knew it, they were wheeling her bed out the door as our clasped hands slowly slipped apart.

“I love you!” She said as they guided her bed down the hallway. “I love you, too!” I replied, still holding onto her wedding ring —the only part of her I still had with me.

And with that, the dam finally broke.

THE WAITING GAME

After her bed was finally out of sight, I slipped back into her room. The nurses said I could stay in her room during the surgery so that I could be the first person she saw when she came back.

I closed the curtains to block off 3/4 of her room from the nurses sitting just on the other side of the glass windows. I sat down in the chair as the tears came rushing down my face like a waterfall.

This might surprise some of you, but I’ve never been a big crier. I can be very emotional sometimes and very passionate about things, but I’m not one to cry very often. While I’m filled with emotion on the inside, I can seem a little emotionless on the outside. This has created a lot of people misreading me because they tend to judge what they see on the outside (sorry, can’t help that…you get what you get!)

It felt like I had about 10 years worth of crying built up and it all came gushing out in the half hour after they wheeled the love of my life down the hall of that ICU.

I thought just about every thought you could think in that moment. Oh, how I wished I could trade places with Holly. I would have given almost anything to switch spots with her.

I kept telling myself that she didn’t deserve this. I deserved to be laying on that operating table with a tumor on my brain, not her. She didn’t do anything wrong. She’s the beautiful one. She’s the one with the people skills and the bubbly personality. She’s the patient perfectionist. She’s the one with the positive mental attitude. She’s the one who cares for everyone and thinks before she speaks. She’s the one who everyone wants to be friends with. She’s the one who finished first in her graduating class. She’s the one who was the Homecoming Queen.

I was none of those things! I deserved this, not her!

While 99.9% of what I just said is true, the fact is, no one deserves that. No one deserves to have a tumor grow on their brain. No one deserves a cancer diagnosis. No one deserves to die in a car accident. No one deserves to be bullied or abused. No one deserves to be raped or molested.

More on that later!

GOD IN THE WAITING

In this moment of waiting during Holly’s surgery, God used it to minister to me. One of the first messages I sent was to a couple from our church. I asked them if it was ok to cry during this time.

I’ll never forget the words I got back.

“Yes! Cry away! Your emotions don’t mean you have a lack of faith!”

You don’t understand how freeing that was to hear. I fought my emotions for a few days straight at this point because I didn’t want God to think I didn’t have faith. I was so afraid that if I let myself get emotional, Holly wouldn’t get healed because of my lack of faith.

So, the first lesson I learned during this waiting period was that I didn’t have to become emotionless to remain faithful and believing that God was faithful. I didn’t have to deny that I was afraid in order for God to be faithful in my situation.

I wasn’t afraid that God wouldn’t heal Holly or something would go wrong, I was honestly more afraid of what she wasn’t going through and how I wished I could take those feelings away! I still knew God was faithful and had no doubt her surgery would be successful! I still had faith that she wouldn’t have any complications and she’d recover wholly and completely!

Another thing I felt God telling me was not only for me, but I felt for all of you reading too. I’ll make a whole post about this topic alone at a later time. But I wanted to touch on it here because of how crucial it is to understand.

It is our belief that this tumor was an act of evil and darkness from the devil. I hear so many people say things like, “God allows pain and sickness to happen to….(yada yada).” That is a lie straight from the enemy to confuse you on who God is and how God operates.

Now, God will use what the devil meant to harm or destroy and turn it into a testimony to bring Him glory. But God doesn’t allow people to get cancer. God doesn’t allow people to die in a car crash. God doesn’t allowpeople to get abused, raped, or molested. You have to understand that there is an enemy out there. An enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Satan is the ruler of this earth and he’s battling for your heart and soul.

WAITING ON A WOMAN

The Lord continued to minister to me in that hospital room waiting for the surgery to finish. After the initial 20 minutes or so of crying stopped, I regained my composure and began to pray and read.

I prayed for the surgery and for Holly. As I paced around the floor, I prayed over the entire room so that Holly would be wheeled back into a place sanctified and filled with the Holy Spirit.

I also used this time to read sections of a book that had been given to us by some friends of ours. It’s a book called Healed Overnight by Amy Keesee Freudiger about how God healed her from a 13lb. tumor! There were so many healing scriptures and testimonies about God’s healing powers and faithfulness.

I also read through another book given to us by friends during this journey called By Jesus’ 39 Stripes We Were Healed by Walt Straughan. It is filled with 39 healing scriptures. It kept my faith strong and my mind focused on God’s promises instead of on the devil’s lies.

I also thought of the lyrics to a famous Brad Paisley song.

“Honey take your time, ‘cuz I don’t mind waiting on a woman.”

TO BE CONTINUED...

At the end of every hour of surgery, I recorded a video of me waiting in that room. I wanted to give Holly something to remember and something to watch afterward to stay encouraged.

These videos may never become available to the public for my own self-image issues haha! But they were meant to be something special that should could keep forever to remember what was going on on the outside while she was deep into surgery.

So, after three and a half hours of a surgery that they said could take up to six hours, the nurse finally came in with an update on how things went.

But more on that later…